Today has been an extremely hard day for me. I've cried more tears today than I have in a while. I think I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted.
Over the past 3 days, I have read hundreds of stories. Many of them mirrored my own life in numerous ways. I could feel the pain coming from the writers' hearts, because I understood their pain. Attack came in the night.
I went to bed feeling alone, rejected, and worthless. Not so beautiful, huh? Doesn't sound like that woman who posted of hope on her other blog yesterday now does it? (see http://www.melissataylorp31.blogspot.com/, "Don't You Dare Lose Hope" July 17, 2008)
Now, if you think hearing about my childhood sexual abuse could disturb you or bring up too much pain, I give you warning here. That's what I'm going to talk about today. It is not beautiful.
I woke up this morning and I heard him in my head. "You turn me on." I felt his touch inside of me. I felt him lead my hand to touch him. I heard his heavy breathing and panting. "GO AWAY!", I screamed. It was as though it happened just a few minutes ago. That's how fresh and familiar it was. Yet it happened 34 years ago. I was only 7 years old. How dare he rob me of my innocense. How dare he introduce dirt and shame into my life and get away with it. Is it terrible for me to hope he's rotting in hell right now. I guess I should hope he repented and found the Lord or got help for his obvious illness. He was very old. Was he just senile or was he really the devil? I don't think I've forgiven him, but I'll think about that later.
I could not shake the memory. It haunted me on my way to work. It haunted me as I continued to get more emails today from women with painful pasts looking for hope and peace and happiness. Then something occurred to me. I bet my devotion, "Love Me" brought up some of the same feelings I was having today in my readers. I heard the cries of despair. The reaching and grasping for help. All because of a past sexual experience...abuse....rape....molestation.
I'm so sorry if that's how some of you reacted. There is hope for us though. It is painful. We do carry it. My husband, as hard as he may try---bless his heart---just doesn't understand why I can't leave it in the past and move on. It doesn't rule my life, however it is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I ache for that little girl (me) who was helpless, yet felt guilty from that day forward.
It happened more than once although I don't know how many times. I think I've blocked some of it out of my mind. If there's more, I pray it stays locked up. I desired protection. Protection I found in the shape of a mask. I wore one pretty much from that day forward.
The mask is off. My life is good. But I share all this with you because I want you to know that every day is not a good one for me. I struggle with anxiety and depression. If it weren't for the Lord, I'd been gone a long time ago.
Friends, we can get through this. Let's take the Lord at His Word, He can work it all for good. (Romans 8:28). It was horrible. Unmentionable. Shameful. We don't want anyone to find out the things we've done as a result.
God is good. He is good all the time. We are survivors. We are here. And there's a purpose for that.
These are my feelings and thoughts today.
As I close, I know I need to inhale a great big breath of love and peace from my very protective heavenly Father. (Inhale..........................) And now I'm exhaling all of the pain for the moment (exhale........................).
My husband just got home. We have a date planned and I am praying the Lord's blessing over the entire night. We are going to a concert. Brad Paisley is in town. :) We have 8th row seats. :) That makes me smile.
Praying beauty to fill your souls at this very moment. Because, you are so way beautiful. And so am I. Let's keep telling ourselves that, Ok?