Friday, July 18, 2008

Little Girl, Are You Okay?

Today has been an extremely hard day for me. I've cried more tears today than I have in a while. I think I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted.

Over the past 3 days, I have read hundreds of stories. Many of them mirrored my own life in numerous ways. I could feel the pain coming from the writers' hearts, because I understood their pain. Attack came in the night.

I went to bed feeling alone, rejected, and worthless. Not so beautiful, huh? Doesn't sound like that woman who posted of hope on her other blog yesterday now does it? (see http://www.melissataylorp31.blogspot.com/, "Don't You Dare Lose Hope" July 17, 2008)

Now, if you think hearing about my childhood sexual abuse could disturb you or bring up too much pain, I give you warning here. That's what I'm going to talk about today. It is not beautiful.

I woke up this morning and I heard him in my head. "You turn me on." I felt his touch inside of me. I felt him lead my hand to touch him. I heard his heavy breathing and panting. "GO AWAY!", I screamed. It was as though it happened just a few minutes ago. That's how fresh and familiar it was. Yet it happened 34 years ago. I was only 7 years old. How dare he rob me of my innocense. How dare he introduce dirt and shame into my life and get away with it. Is it terrible for me to hope he's rotting in hell right now. I guess I should hope he repented and found the Lord or got help for his obvious illness. He was very old. Was he just senile or was he really the devil? I don't think I've forgiven him, but I'll think about that later.

I could not shake the memory. It haunted me on my way to work. It haunted me as I continued to get more emails today from women with painful pasts looking for hope and peace and happiness. Then something occurred to me. I bet my devotion, "Love Me" brought up some of the same feelings I was having today in my readers. I heard the cries of despair. The reaching and grasping for help. All because of a past sexual experience...abuse....rape....molestation.

I'm so sorry if that's how some of you reacted. There is hope for us though. It is painful. We do carry it. My husband, as hard as he may try---bless his heart---just doesn't understand why I can't leave it in the past and move on. It doesn't rule my life, however it is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I ache for that little girl (me) who was helpless, yet felt guilty from that day forward.

It happened more than once although I don't know how many times. I think I've blocked some of it out of my mind. If there's more, I pray it stays locked up. I desired protection. Protection I found in the shape of a mask. I wore one pretty much from that day forward.

The mask is off. My life is good. But I share all this with you because I want you to know that every day is not a good one for me. I struggle with anxiety and depression. If it weren't for the Lord, I'd been gone a long time ago.

Friends, we can get through this. Let's take the Lord at His Word, He can work it all for good. (Romans 8:28). It was horrible. Unmentionable. Shameful. We don't want anyone to find out the things we've done as a result.

God is good. He is good all the time. We are survivors. We are here. And there's a purpose for that.
These are my feelings and thoughts today.
As I close, I know I need to inhale a great big breath of love and peace from my very protective heavenly Father. (Inhale..........................) And now I'm exhaling all of the pain for the moment (exhale........................).

My husband just got home. We have a date planned and I am praying the Lord's blessing over the entire night. We are going to a concert. Brad Paisley is in town. :) We have 8th row seats. :) That makes me smile.

Praying beauty to fill your souls at this very moment. Because, you are so way beautiful. And so am I. Let's keep telling ourselves that, Ok?

Much Love,


Melissa

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Melissa, I can only tell you how sorry I am that you were victimized in such a horrific way and how grateful I am that you have found the courage to share your pain with others. In doing so, you are helping so many reach out to God to help heal their painful past. I thank you for your candor and I pray that God blesses you in abundance! I dare not write my name, but please know your words have been a blessing to me.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for continuing to write such words of encouragement that uplift my soul and speak such peace to my heart and my mind. The pain of sexual abuse and incest cannot be understood by those who have not had that experience unless God gives them the wisdom and the insight. It is easy for them to say forgive and move forward. But when you have been the one who was raped over and over by your father or a neighbor or a family friend then you can understand why it is so hard to just GET OVER IT!!!!!! I wished that the pain would just go away but it is a part of me. I thank the Lord that he has helped me to not stop living because of the pain. This site has bought me such hope and strength and understanding. I appreciate God for giving you the strength to reach out to all of us by sharing so openly about what happened to you. I hope that you enjoy the concert and have a wonderful date with your husband. You are such hope to me that in God's healing is true intimacy with my man of God. Love you much Chirst1

nothingcanseparateme said...

Although I do not share your experiences, my heart just aches for that little girl (you). I don't believe that anyone can ever "get over it" but I believe that my loving Jesus will heal you and others in his time and in his way. You are so brave to share your experience as I am sure many others live in a silent prison for fear. God bless you!

Anonymous said...

Melissa,

You are truly a remarkable person! I sit hear with tears streaming down my face after reading your blog- I cry for the little girl inside of you that has been hurt. Although I have never had to endure such a pain as you have as a child - I weep for the pain and fear that you have lived with in your life. I do however, praise God for giving you the strength and the courage to share your lifes tragedies with all of us. You have touched so many womens lives over the past 3 days that I just can't wait to see what the Lord does in your life next. I will continue to pray for you on your journey. Never lose sight of how wonderful and beautiful you are because you are a child of the King! I pray you and your husband have a wonderful evening and let us know how that concert goes! He is coming to our area next month- can't wait!

In love,
Julie (dreamwalking123@aol.com)

Diane said...

argcebjMelissa,

What bravery you have to be so real! It is helping many people and some you may never know about. You know some of this. I was raped by a neighborhood boy at the age of 10. Then my father and two other family members sexually molested me for 7 years. I can still feel their hands on my body and the awful stench of old spice. I feel his rough beard on my face and can see that scratches on my face. I feel his knees jabbing into my arms, holding me down. I scream out for my mother to stop him, but she never looks up. She sat in the room as my father took away my innocence and NEVER did she stop him. One of the things about going back and allowing my self to remember these things that I have blocked out is the awareness that more memories will arise. One of them that makes my stomach turn is when I started my period. I was 12 and had thought that I was pregnant from the rape 2 years earlier. I had to tell my mom and she made me go tell each one of my family members. My father actually stuck his fingers inside of me to make sure. I get sick to my stomach just thinking abut it. There was no reason for that to ever occur. One of the things that I always believed was that I was causing it. But I know that as a young girl who didn’t know about sex when she was raped, I didn’t ask for any of it. What was done to me over the period of 7 years was inexcusable and can only be dealt with by God.
Today I have to really nurture the little girl inside of me that is so afraid of being hurt again.
What you have created her by just being willing to put yourself out there is a safe place for victims to help themselves become victories of their past. God is truly the only who how can deal with those who abused us. I refuse to allow those who harmed me to take away any more of my life.
God Bless and keep opening up,
Diane

Jen said...

God bless you for being so open!!! I am really sorry that you had to go through this but God is and h as brought you through this... God will eventually bring me through this... I have not been able to cry in a couple weeks and then it was as if the flood just opened tonight and I can't really stop right now.... It makes me soo mad to hear of little innocent kids being sexually abused, raped, and molested, and physically abused... I hate it!! And I would do anything to stop it! But of course I myself do not have that power... As I wrote before, I was sexually abused at a young age (3 or 4 I think) by a male babysitter who had done this to other women and a child and he went to prison, but even though it happened so long ago it still causes me to be fearful of a lot of things... for example i put on weight so guys wouldnt want me (partly) and the way i dealt with my pain and everything was by eating - emotional eating.... And so I also have an eating disorder now... I have like a double triple wammy of life... lol...If it werent for God and Christian music I would have been dead a long time ago. I have held so much of my pain in for so long that it has and continues to be really hard to talk about, but with the counseling I am getting better at verbalizing my feelings as well as journaling my hurts and everything... I usually purge my thoughts in my journal all the time!!!! Well thank you for sharing and please keep sharing and being honest and bold!! You are a light!! Keep shining and radiating the light and beauty of Christ!!

Anonymous said...

Something almost the same happened to me when I was 6 or 7. And it was an old man too. Some may say that because I (or you) was not actually raped that it should not bother us still now in adulthood. Why does it? Why are women made that way? To react that way? I don't know. I just know that when a small girl is molested it affects her emotionally for a very, very long time. It has effected my relationship with my husband. I have tried to explain it to him but he doens't realy understand I don't think. I have never gone to counseling or really talkked about it much. Evenas a christian does it ever go away? I never had the courage to tell my mama about it. I felt too guilty. Did you ever tell? I'm older than you so I don't know what they did back then. Would they have confronted the old man? Would he have been sent to jail? How many other little girls did he molest because I didn tell on him? It bothers me.

Anonymous said...

I am a Sexual Abuse Survivor also. I think it's important to talk about it...Free us From the Silence...and make everyone aware of just how often this has and still affects people every day.

It comes back to haunt you in your adult years. I am glad I found Christ last year, at my weakest moment...and I invited him in to help heal me! It's a long Journey to Heal...but There is Hope in Healing!

Thanks for sharing your story, it will help others.

Joyful said...

So many emotions are running through me right now. Pain for a little innocent girl. Anger at the situation, and yes, towards the person who hurt you so deeply. Understanding of costuming and wearing masks. Empathy for the on-going battle with depression and anxiety, having travelled that path myself. Guilt for not wanting to offer forgiveness. Love for a friend who has shared so openly. Hope, because although the scar will forever remain, God is healing the wound.

Hugs,
Joy

Tameka said...

I just wanted to say thank you for having the courage to be open and honest to share your story. I can only image how hard and painful that can be.

I, too, share the same past and can only pray that as time goes by and healing continues with me -that I will have the same courage to share my own stories with others. I do believe that when we share our own stories that it opens doors for healing of those around us. And as you have witnessed, it touches those that you never would have realized.

Thank You.

Anonymous said...

Melissa,
I share in your pain for I too was sexually abused by my dad when I was a child and a teenager. I think I have blocked out the times when I was a child for I can not remember any of my childhood which is sad. I remember the times when I was a teenager like it was yesterday and I'm 51 years old now. I remember him saying after the abuse I'm so sorry I will never do it again but he did. His reasoning for the abuse was so I would not want boys to touch me or this will make you a better wife. I remember seeing no affection between my mother and father when I was a teenager.

The sad part about this is he was a decon in the church we attented and is still one today. Over the years I never told anyone about the abuse accept my mother because I became pregnant after being date raped one night by a guy when I was in high school. I felt she was angry at me for allowing this to happen. I told her in a letter that how could a fight off a guy on a date when I could not fight off my own dad at home. She never asked any question and we never talk and now she is deceased. I was young and did not know what to do so my mother took me to a doctor for an abortion. I will never forget that day. I cried for days to God that please someday give me children again and to forgive me for what I had done.

I did marry ( and have been married for 30 yrs) and God gave me three beautiful children but the problems came. I rejected my husband touches and he did not understand. I finally told him after we had been married several years about my dad and the abortion. He was angry. I never went to council for it was to painful to think about. We lived away from my dad and I vowed to keep my girls away from him and when we visited I watched him like a hawk. My dad and I never talk about the abuse after I married and as far as I know I never knew if my mom and dad talked about it.

In recent years I have found out that there were other girls my dad touched after I moved away with my husband. I can still feel the emotions I felt when my husband confronted me with the news for one of the person whom my dad touched was my husbands sister.

I confronted my dad and he says he has changed and repented to God. I want to believe him but it is hard. I'm praying God will heal my heart again as I look to him for healing my emotions.
When we have family get togethers there is tention and masked faces from the secerts. I have felt shame and guilt for not doing something about my dad several years ago. My dad has said he has changed and does not want his other wife of 20 years to know who he was. So now I hide my pain again to cover his sin and protect him. Why? You ask. I don't know.

As I write this I'm reminded of Jesus going to the cross for Me and all the PAIN HE endured to cover my Sins. Thank you Jesus I love you.

Melissa I lift you up to God today and I pray for you as you work through your pain as I pray for myself each day. Thank you for opening up your story so finally after 35 plus years I can open up mine and see that I'm not alone.

Thanks for reminding me I'm Beautiful. Oh! and I went and bought the book "His Princess Love Letters from Your King.

God bless you

Lisa Roszler said...

There are way too many of us in this "Girls Club"!

I found counseling helpful to lead me safely through the memories again. I'd never forgotten them, but being able to talk through the details was helpful.

I was so tired of "triggers": a certain smell, the floorplan of a house, a look on a man's face. You all know what I mean. I can remember every doorknob and every ceiling and every wallpaper and every flooring of the homes in which I was abused because those are the things I focused on to take my mind away from what was happening to my body.

I consider myself to be mostly healed, though I am sometimes caught off-guard. Behaviors show up as reminders: I had an MRI today and I'm claustrophobic which is residual damage from years spent hiding in super-tiny places to escape my abusers. But hallelujah, today so many people prayed me through that I did not experience that panic. Perhaps God is healing this behavior, too.

I have no more contact with my abusers. I have forgiven them and even recently tried to heal one of the relationships but found that the man had not changed. He made advances toward my then-16 year old daughter, and that was the end of that. I pray God convicts and brings them to repentance. There is nothing else I can do. I have released them to God.

I'll have to do a post on this on my blog next week. I have a great story of one of God's healing sessions with me.

Love and sister hugs to you all!
Onward,
Lisa